Toni Morrison said, “Sometimes you don't survive whole, you just survive in part. But the grandeur of life is that attempt.” Many of us haven’t survived whole. We’ve lost parts, are scarred, our life will never look exactly how we thought it would.
In my work I’m concerned with grief and joy and the trajectory and navigation of these emotions. Life involves inevitable loss and I’m intrigued with how humans stay optimistic, knowing they will face tragedy in either the distant or near future. My current practice consists of painting everyday events with parts of the subject matter missing. The background layers over and erases pieces and the gestures are immobilized in a perilous balance. It’s a transient instance about to dissolve and exist only in memory. I’m interested in the discordant feelings this conjures. How is it possible to feel both grateful for and mourning the loss of this time in the same exact moment? I’m exploring this with painting as it’s a form of narrative art that presents all time together simultaneously. This quality makes it the perfect medium for this work.
I constantly fight a personal battle to control life as a method of stagnating fear. Art allows me to examine this conflict in a tangible way. In painting I choose how much command I hold with every brushstroke. This fluctuates between abstract marks and areas of defined representation. It’s a physical practice of surrender, a space where I can probe the boundaries of my fear and sovereignty. I start working bravely, intuitively dripping vibrant colors of paint off the brush at the top of the canvas, then letting gravity take over, paint trickling freely. Marks form and colors blend at will. I’ve recently started scraping on paint abstractly with squeegees, in large gestural movements, creating sculptural areas of blended color. Once these backgrounds dry, I decide what areas are interesting and let those remain, then cover the rest in representational forms, where I regain a sense of dominance.
I find this way of working to be a parallel of human life. We make decisions, the universe gives us circumstance, and the combination of results affect us to varying degrees. Our power lies in how we handle what remains. Addressing this in my work expands conscious awareness of how we make these decisions to either fight for control or work with circumstance.
*Morrison, Toni. “A Conversation Between Toni Morrison and Frank McCourt.” Moderated by Juan Williams. YouTube, uploaded by The Connecticut Forum, 4 May 2001, www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xvJYrSsXPA